that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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