Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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