My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
why is half of my head shaved?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
