stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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