I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
