after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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