whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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