so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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