Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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