i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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