my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
