I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
