Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
