You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
