Porn is love you can see.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
