my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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