i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
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She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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