btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
