Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
