I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
