i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
well you can't waste a boner
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
