I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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