I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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