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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
