Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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