yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
