it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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