Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
