your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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