Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
