Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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