I bet he comes in French.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
