yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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