hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
