What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
