toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
