he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
