I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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