I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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