I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
