My sheets look like a crime scene.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
