You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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