If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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