anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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