Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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