guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
