just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just forgot I was standing up.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
