Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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