I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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