nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
