I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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