The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
