a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
