Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
