1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
