Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
