All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
