man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
