Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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