Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
