I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
