Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
