I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
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